Starting Fresh and Struggling to Stay Sane
So in the last few months my life has been completely turned upside down, spun around and is still kind of balancing on a line between normal and insanity. I guess it would start back in February when I decided to throw my resume out to URBN in Philadelphia. Don't get me wrong - I loved what I did. However, the office dynamic had changed and I wasn't happy there anymore. The commute was horrible and I felt like I had wasted the majority of my 20's on the train. It was time to move on but I was running into the situation that everyone my age runs into - somehow I didn't have enough experience for anything despite the 5 years of work experience and the 4 year degree that I had. Luckily, I found a company that actually decided to take me seriously.
When the URBN positions came to my attention, I thought "what the hell - I went to school in Philly, so why not give it a go?" I talked with Josh about it and he was open to Philly, so my resume was submitted. About a week later I had a phone interview with a recruiter, the next week I went to Paris, then I came back and had 2 more phone interviews and finally a day of in person interviews. A week after that I had the job and started in 3 weeks; in those 3 weeks I had to give my notice, find a place to live, and move - none of this is including everything that my amazing love Josh had to do: he literally gave up everything to support me and make sure I followed my dreams. Somehow we found an apartment and managed to get in the Saturday before I started at 11 pm (let me tell you - that was an experience!)
My new coworkers are amazing and the atmosphere of the office is extremely inspiring (especially with all the pups running around). The company is great and my job is insane - I'm always on the move and always working my ass off. I work longer hours than before but it feels so rewarding to know that I'm basically the person who makes the fabrications for all dresses, tops, pants, jeans and jackets happen at Free People (at least at the R&D stage - I don't handle production orders). It's a tough job and I'm exhausted every day when I get home but, so far, I think it's worth it. Especially when I have people from my teams come up and tell me how much easier the process is since I started working there and how much they appreciate me.
This sounds like a fairy tale - new job, new apartment, supportive and amazing boyfriend... It honestly feels like a dream. But moving is extremely difficult. Starting a new job is never easy. Taking a huge leap forward in a relationship is terrifying. Doing all of this with OCD is nearly impossible. I've been struggling with feeling like a guest in my own apartment, an imposter at work, and my self esteem has definitely taken a hit. I've gained weight since I moved and now I'm extremely self-conscious. OCD Lizzy, who lives in the darkest part of my mind, loves to repeat the number of lbs every time I eat. A neighbor cursed me out and told me how horrible I am - OCD Lizzy loves to repeat what they said to me. OCD Lizzy loves to say that people are lying when they are nice to me.
God forbid I deviate from my morning routine! OCD Lizzy loves to remind me that my entire world is going to fall apart because Josh moved my cocoa butter and I couldn't put it on at the same exact time as I do every morning. Volume not on a multiple of 5? OCD Lizzy wants you to know that you are probably going to lose your job tomorrow. My OCD revolves around the idea that if I step out of line and break one of the rules, my entire life is going to fall apart. If I am anything less than perfect, everything is going to go to shit. Adding onto this, I compulsively repeat things in my head, which is amazing for memorization but horrible if you want to forget something mean someone said to you. And of course I can never repeat the good things - only the bad. These last few months have been incredibly difficult and honestly I feel like I'm going insane. And the worst part? I know how absolutely ridiculous this is and I know that none of these fears are going to come true, but OCD Lizzy is extremely powerful and despite knowing how absurd it is to think this way, I have to play it safe because - what if it isn't absurd? In the past, when I've tried to ignore OCD Lizzy, things did fall apart! Things break, clothes get ruined, relationships get tense, people get sick or die and I just can't take that chance right now.
So long story short - it's been a hell of a ride these last few months and I'm definitely struggling. But I'm going to keep pushing through and try to trust that the people in my life do love me and do support me - no matter what OCD Lizzy is telling me. This is an amazing opportunity and I can't let my craziness mess it up - I have to look at what is good in my life and try to focus on that. I'm taking my time now to try and be the happiest person I can be.